I Solemnly Swear That I Am Up to No Good: I'm sorry

[alt_terry]

I'm sorry everyone.

I'm talking to all of you like you don't deserve, and I threw a lot of accusations around and--

Well, I'm not sorry yet because I'm still so angry, but I know I'll be horrifically sorry tomorrow when I come to my senses. So I wanted to write this quick so you wouldn't have too long to think badly of me.

The thing is, I'm just really angry about other things. It's been a terrible week where I am. The people I'm with tried to stop what happened in Ireland, and they couldn't. And some of them died. And I guess when Hydra said that you're supposed to be happy about it, I just saw red, and it wasn't like you really were happy, but...I guess I wasn't thinking too well.

It's all been more awful that I can describe, but that's no reason for me to be attacking my friends.

if you're still my friends, that is.

Comments

[alt_ron]

So. The people you're with? Are they people like you or people like us?

[alt_terry]

They're...

They're just people, Ron. They don't think of themselves as 'muggle' or 'muggleborn' (or worse, 'mudblood') or 'wizard.' It's almost kind of confusing, in a way, and it's really hard for me to get used to it. Because I was raised to divide people into categories, and you were, too. Well, not that your parents did that, I mean, but the Protectorate did. The Protectorate is founded on forcing people to categorise people.

But this Lock is trying to do what the wand smugglers are doing. We're supposed to treat each other the same.

And that's why I feel so awful already, because I started throwing around 'people like you' versus 'people like me' around. That's buying right into what the Ministry has been blathering about for years. I'm trying to root their poison out of me, and it keeps creeping back in all sorts of ways.

I'm sorry.

[alt_ron]

Alright, then.

[alt_luna]

Well, I could certainly tell that you were very angry, because angry people don't think very well, as you say. You're usually rather better at making your point about things without attacking people.

It's not a very Ravenclaw thing to do, really.

[alt_terry]

Coming from my Housemate...ouch.

I deserved that.

Guess I wasn't a very good Ravenclaw.

Or a very decent person.

[alt_luna]

Maybe. But you were a very human one.

I'm sorry about the people you know who were killed. Did you know them very well?

[alt_terry]

No, I didn't know them very long.

But I'm close to people who were close to them. They're taking it hard.

[alt_neville]

Thanks for explaining, anyway.

Sorry about your family.

Private Message to Terry Boot

[alt_evelyn]

I don't know you very well, not as well as Neville does, but I just wanted to say thank you very much for letting him know that mum and dad were safe.

And that I'm sorry that you've had a hard week. And sorry about your family too.

I guess this is part of having a place where we can really talk. Not getting on all the time, I mean. Or having strong opinions about things and saying them where other people can see. Or even just being able to be properly angry.

[alt_hydra]

Terry,

I didn't see what you wrote until this morning, because I wasn't looking at my journal when I met with Justin last night.

I hope you're not too horrifically sorry, now that it's the next day. I was a little relieved to see you were angry and didn't mind showing it, because it meant that you knew you were the same as us, real equals, and that when you were angry you felt free to show it.

Maybe that's an odd thing to be relieved about. Only I'm used to some people being cautious around me because they think I'm going to kill them horribly with Dark Arts, or summon Mummy or my basalisk to do it.

When I said we're supposed to be "happy" about what happened, I mean that's how we're expected to act. Or, at the very least, we can't act too sad. You're lucky you're somewhere where you can be angry. Even though the rest of us can write here, if we got too upset it might show on our faces to other people, or we might say the wrong thing in a moment of rashness.

[alt_terry]

No, I realise you didn't say you were happy. I'm sorry for acting as if you did.

About it being okay for me to show I was angry...huh. I'll have to think about that.

I did feel bad this morning, like I expected I would. Wretched because I insulted all of you, especially after you've been so kind to me, and embarrassed because I feel like I made a fool out of myself. And scared because it felt so out of control. The thing is, I really have no experience at knowing how to be angry, really. The git never allowed such a thing, you see, and anyway, I always had to keep my wits about me and so it was simply too dangerous. So I don't quite know what to do when I let it out like that. I even couldn't think properly either when I was so furious. I guess that makes the Ravenclaw in me awfully nervous. It seem so...so overwhelming. Terrifying.

I just thought of something else. When I came to my senses, boot didn't come back, either. You know, that awful groveling I used to do, whenever I thought I had made a mistake or said something I shouldn't. I mean, I just explained and then apologised. I guess that's also part of acting like we're equals. I suppose that's part of learning how to be a proper person, a real wizard. Instead of a crawling mudblood like I used to be.

So that's kind of like progress, isn't it? In a way.

Private message to Hydra Lestrange

[alt_terry]

I'm guessing that you have to have a lot of emotional control, too. Around your mum, I mean. I've seen the way she talks to you in the journals.

I dunno, feel free to tell me I'm out of line. But I'll bet you don't often dare to show her that you're angry at her. Do you?

So you know how it feels. Having to be in control all the time.

But maybe you're that way naturally anyway? (If that's not too much of a personal question.)

Re: Private message to Hydra Lestrange

[alt_hydra]

Yes. I don't know if I know much about being angry, either, now that I consider it. Not angry out loud, at least. And even thinking angry thoughts...

Mostly, just having a kind of blankness is what I learned to feel, with her. Because if I was afraid of something, she would do something to try to "fix me" from being afraid.... Well, you might as well know some of it.

When I was very little I was afraid of the dark, for instance, and I didn't know how to act blank yet so I would cry sometimes at night, afraid in my bed. So she became cross and made me blind for a week, to teach me not to be afraid of the dark.
And then I was old enough and I knew not to say things like "that scares me" or "I don't want to!" But sometimes she would legilimise me, as a sort of test.

The worst part about it is never knowing what she'll do. Because sometimes she barely notices me, but then, when I least expect it, she'll catch me by surprise with something. And groveling doesn't work with her, it disgusts her. But if you get cross and have a tantrum you're being disobedient. So there's really no way to be, so you just stop being.

I don't know what I'm like naturally, I suppose. Like you, I think I'm only now beginning to discover that.

Re: Private message to Hydra Lestrange

[alt_terry]

Wow. That sounds exactly like...well, I don't mean to be insulting to your mum or anything, but that's exactly what was so difficult about the git. It was so hard to predict what he would do. Sometimes he would even be nice for awhile. Until I learned better, I would start to almost relax, to think, 'well, it's not so bad, was I just imagining everything?' Because he knew that the blow that came next hurt even worse when you had dropped your guard. And so I learned never to relax around him.

And yeah, the blankness. That's really familiar, too. That's how you act around someone who is scary dangerous.

Huh. Justin's right, and Sally-Anne and Ron, too. I mustn't act I'm the only person who's ever had it awful. It's disrespectful to you, to ignore or dismiss the battles you have to fight. Even the subtle ones.

I didn't know we were so much alike. I mean, facing some of the same things.

If it helps, if you ever get a chance to be free so you can figure out who you really are, without someone scary breathing down your neck all the time--well, I've found it's...it's quite nice, really.

Unnerving. Even scary, sometimes. But nice.

I hope you'll get that chance, too.

Re: Private message to Hydra Lestrange

[alt_hydra]

I don't care if you insult her. Even if she is my Mum.

That's it, though, she's my Mother, so. You'd think she might feel something for me, something other than disappointment. I think the only person she feels anything for, though, is the Lord Protector.

I don't know what would have happened to me if I hadn't had people like Daddy and Aunt Narcissa and Uncle Raz. I'm sure they don't strike you as particularly good people, but they cared about me, at least.

She can't breathe down my neck as much as she'd like, not now. I'm at school a lot of the time, and she can't get into my head anymore, either. It's not as bad as it used to be. I have Justin, and friends like you, and the others.

[alt_justin]

Terry,

I say, old chap, I think what you're missing is that just because the government want one to be happy, that doesn't mean one actually is happy.

It's complicated, of course. One can't pick one's family, what?

Are you saying that Hydra or Pansy ought not to be relieved their loved ones are unharmed because those same loved ones are likely the people who ordered the executions? Because you are saying that they're the ones who ordered the executions, aren't you.

Well, I say, hate to tell you this, old man, but I rather think they're clever enough to have worked that out on their own. Throwing it in their faces isn't going to make Hydra think less of her mother, nor her or Pansy's uncles. It's for them to draw that line, in their own time and in their own way.

I suppose I ought to warn you that there may never be a time when either of them hates the people you hate with enough vehemence to satisfy you, mate. I'm not sure hating them outright is all that healthy, in any event, what? It's hatred that got everyone into this mess, after all.

I do sympathise, heartily, that you've got information you wish you could tell us. I suspect it's not wise, though, because then we shall just have to go about pretending we don't know it, which shall only get far too complicated and someone's bound to slip up, what?

I'm frightfully sorry you've had a bad week. I've been quite worried about Sirius, so I can tell you I was elated to hear he'd been spotted pulling a train robbery, what--I can just see him like one of the heroes of the American Wild West, a bandana over his nose and mouth and pistols shining, what!--but if he lost comrades then the vision is well tinged with sorrow.

It's all too easy, I suppose, for those of us at school to become focused only on what's right here: Homework and projects and each other. Well, I say, that's rather the point, isn't it? To insulate us from the outside.

I will say it's been smashing not to have Professor Dolohov breathing down one's neck. But of course, one understands that he's not here because he's likely there, doing all sorts of who knows what.

It's all right for you to feel angry, Terry, old man. And as Hydra says, I'm well glad you feel safe enough to show it. It's beastly what they're doing and it's unfair that they've got the power to cover it up. And I hope that soon, very soon, we'll begin to learn just how many others think the same, even if they're afraid to say so.

-Justin

[alt_terry]

Your first point, yeah, I realise that now. I'm sorry I implied otherwise.

I really can't read something right or think properly when I'm angry. It feels downright awful being inside my own head when I'm like that. I really don't like the feeling, and I don't exactly know how to handle it, know what I mean? And yeah, the hate is a really unhealthy thing to keep dwelling on, too. That's the way he was, filled with hate all the time. Not exactly a recommendation for that sort of mentality, is it?

All I do is say I'm sorry again. I shouldn't forget that there are things that you all have to do there at Hogwarts that are just as hard as anything I've had to do. I mean, the kind of pretending you have to do. It's just as challenging, and for some of you, it's just as dangerous as anything I've faced.

[alt_justin]

It's quite all right, dear chap.

I think all of us are trying, in our own way, to figure out what we can and can't do to show our disapproval.

As you said to Hydra, we all have to maintain a measure of control. It's good to have a place where one can let that go sometimes.

-Justin

[alt_hermione]

It's really, really hard sometimes, when there's information that the wand smugglers have that the school doesn't, and I for one understand how it feels, Terry. It's one reason why sometimes I'm quiet when everyone else is talking, it's not because I don't have an opinion, it's because I know too much, sometimes, and I don't want to tell about it. I guess I'm so used to keeping things to myself that I just don't say anything, because I'm afraid that what I have to say will be too much.

I guess I'm just saying that I can't blame Terry for feeling angry and I think Hydra's right, Terry, it's good that you're able to let yourself feel angry, and to tell us when you are.

[alt_terry]

Thank you.

[alt_sally_anne]

Friends can have arguments and not stop being friends, Terry. Don't worry about it.

[alt_terry]

Well...friends are still sort of a new thing for me. So there are things I don't know. And I make a lot of mistakes.