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I Solemnly Swear That I Am Up to No Good
Jul. 17th, 2011 01:02 pmI'm doing well. This morning was quiet. He forgot to lock the door last night and slept until noon today, so I was able to slip out and practise a bit. It's all right, I got back inside before he woke up again.
I'm still working on the animagus spell, but with no luck so far. It's frustrating. But I'm not giving up.
I've been thinking a whole lot in the past week about things. About the git. I've been watching him, studying him, because I want to figure out how I'm going to survive this, how I'm going to get away from him and eventually beat him at his own game. This is what I've mulling over:
He likes to dominate things, to have power over them. He also likes to ruin things. He thinks that no one is as important as he is. I think all the dark magic he's used over the years have addled his wits, although maybe that's partly from the drinking, too. From some of the stuff he's said this week, I realised that he really thinks I admire him. Is that sick or what?
The first part, wanting power over me, that's obvious. He likes having a mudblood he can kick and order around, someone he can make cower and cringe. It's safest to give him that, but what he doesn't know now is that it's all an act.
But I'm seeing something else I never saw before. I think he wants to make me rotten inside, too. Like him. He wants me cowering and ignorant, but he's also interested in making me...cruel. Not enough that I'd ever threaten him, you understand, but then he's arrogant enough to think he totally controls me.
It's little things. Like he always used to be the one to kill his pigeons and rats for his experiments. But now he's started ordering me to kill them (I do it if I have to. But I try to sneak them out and free them instead if I possibly can). He got a crop of prisoners last week, and one of them had concealed a photograph of his wife in his shirt, and the git found it. He took the photograph away from the man and ordered me to burn it. In front of the prisoner.
He said something this week that made my blood run cold: that maybe he might get another mudblood. Someone even younger than me. 'You'd like having someone you could teach master's ways, wouldn't you? Someone you could break in yourself.'
Just getting away from him isn't enough. As long as I'm with him, I also need to figure out how to stay a decent human being, even if he's trying to warp me into someone who thinks he's admirable.
(Fred and George, did you figure out whether it'd be safe for me to use that cushioning charm? He hasn't hit me since I got healed. Yet. But it would be good to know.)
I'm still working on the animagus spell, but with no luck so far. It's frustrating. But I'm not giving up.
I've been thinking a whole lot in the past week about things. About the git. I've been watching him, studying him, because I want to figure out how I'm going to survive this, how I'm going to get away from him and eventually beat him at his own game. This is what I've mulling over:
He likes to dominate things, to have power over them. He also likes to ruin things. He thinks that no one is as important as he is. I think all the dark magic he's used over the years have addled his wits, although maybe that's partly from the drinking, too. From some of the stuff he's said this week, I realised that he really thinks I admire him. Is that sick or what?
The first part, wanting power over me, that's obvious. He likes having a mudblood he can kick and order around, someone he can make cower and cringe. It's safest to give him that, but what he doesn't know now is that it's all an act.
But I'm seeing something else I never saw before. I think he wants to make me rotten inside, too. Like him. He wants me cowering and ignorant, but he's also interested in making me...cruel. Not enough that I'd ever threaten him, you understand, but then he's arrogant enough to think he totally controls me.
It's little things. Like he always used to be the one to kill his pigeons and rats for his experiments. But now he's started ordering me to kill them (I do it if I have to. But I try to sneak them out and free them instead if I possibly can). He got a crop of prisoners last week, and one of them had concealed a photograph of his wife in his shirt, and the git found it. He took the photograph away from the man and ordered me to burn it. In front of the prisoner.
He said something this week that made my blood run cold: that maybe he might get another mudblood. Someone even younger than me. 'You'd like having someone you could teach master's ways, wouldn't you? Someone you could break in yourself.'
Just getting away from him isn't enough. As long as I'm with him, I also need to figure out how to stay a decent human being, even if he's trying to warp me into someone who thinks he's admirable.
(Fred and George, did you figure out whether it'd be safe for me to use that cushioning charm? He hasn't hit me since I got healed. Yet. But it would be good to know.)