Order only: Private message to Fred Weasley and George Weasley

[alt_terry]

I can't sleep. It's been going on for a week. I just can't. Every time I close my eyes, I see his leering face over me. Watching me.

It's crazy. I know he's dead. I keep tasting

It's like he's haunting me, but I haven't seen his ghost. But I keep turning around quickly, half-expecting to see him there.

I said some stuff on the lock that maybe was a mistake. I just don't know. I'm so tired I can't even tell.

I'm glad Mr and Mrs Longbottom get back soon. Except if they figure out something's wrong and ask me about it, I don't even know what to say to them.

I'm free, right? So shouldn't everything be okay now?

I don't get it. I mean, I'm so happy here. Except I'm starting to not be able to sleep, and sometimes I feel like I don't belong here at all.

I don't even know what I'm asking.

Comments

[alt_gredforge]

Glad you said something. Even if you're not sure what you're trying to say. But that's okay.

Hey, cut yourself some slack, Professor: you've gone through a helluva big change and a lot of upheaval. It's bound to be confusing. While nobody's in the least bit broken up that Amycus 'that bloody git' Carrow is out of the picture, he was your whole world for years and years. Had to be, if you wanted to survive. Everything revolved around him for you, didn't it? So it's no wonder you feel a trifle unmoored now that he's gone.

As for what to say to the Longbottoms, well, maybe just start with the simple fact that you're having trouble sleeping. They may have some practical suggestions. Or maybe Stephen McGivern might have some potions that would help you get through this, just for the short term. And then you can talk, or not, as it seems right. Don't think they'll push you into saying anything you're not willing to say.

[alt_terry]

There's what I said on the lock, too.

I should have just kept my big mouth shut.

Cause some people haven't replied, and it's probably because they're hacked off at me.

I don't even know how to have friends like a normal kid.

[alt_gredforge]

Are you kidding? Having your friends hacked off at you is being a normal kid.

[alt_terry]

Ha. True. Maybe. I'll have to take your word for it.

It's hard. Trying to figure out how to be a normal boy, instead of a crawling boot.

Do I need to apologise to them?

[alt_gredforge]

It depends. Did you say something that was untrue, or unfair? What was it you said?

[alt_terry]

Is it okay if I don't want to say?

I'm just feeling more and more sick about it.

Maybe I just didn't have the right to say what I said. I can't even tell anymore.

Gah. I can't even think. I need sleep.

Maybe I don't deserve to have friends.

[alt_gredforge]

Re: that last. Rubbish.

[alt_gredforge]

Anyway, Neville didn't think so, when you saw him this week. Did he?

[alt_terry]

...

All right. Yeah.

[alt_gredforge]

Well, there you go.

[alt_terry]

It's just....

They don't know. They don't have any idea, that I killed him. It's the most important thing about me, that I'm a murderer, but they don't even know that. Well, except I suppose Hermione knows, but that's even worse.

And there's other stuff. Stuff I've never spoken about to a soul. And I don't know if I ever will. Even to you.

It makes me feel like I'm so different. Like there's a pane of glass between me and the rest of the world. Nobody can see it but me, but it makes me feel shut off from everyone else. It's like I can't explain it to them, I don't even dare. They'd hate me.

Maybe it's better if they're hacked off at me instead.

[alt_gredforge]

First of all, we take exception with you using the word 'murderer' to describe yourself. You need to get Frank to explain the legal concept of 'self-defence' to you. What you did clearly falls under that definition.

[alt_terry]

Except that mudbloods don't get to defend themselves from their masters.

[alt_gredforge]

Bloody hell, Terry, for once and for all you are not a mudblood.

[alt_terry]

Easy for you to say.

[alt_gredforge]

Don't try to get us hacked off at you, too. We see right through that trick, and it won't work.

[alt_terry]

...

[alt_gredforge]

Second of all, whether you're a...a murderer or simply someone who had to defend himself to save his own life isn't the most important thing about you.

[alt_terry]

Oh yeah? Then what is?

[alt_gredforge]

It's that you're a survivor.

You survived Amycus Carrow, the worst arse end the Protectorate had. You're still living, in spite of everything he threw at you. He tried to destroy you, and he didn't succeed. So don't you do his job for him and destroy yourself.

Talk to the Longbottoms. Tell them what's going on. They will help.